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The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop.

However, the news isn't all bad - the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

Favourite expression: "One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond.

Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker"... Favourite expression: "A few beers will loosen up that swing!

Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine. Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. THE CART GIRL SCHMOOZER Defining characteristics: Convinced he's got a shot with the cart girl.THE PARKING LOT PRO Defining characteristics: Colour-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Favourite expression: "These are the same shoes Tiger wears".THE AIR COUNTER Defining characteristics: Can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail.The bad is your baby is ginger, the good news is it's stillborn".-- A wise man once told me to ignore anything that comes out of a woman's mouth, unless it needs wiping and putting back in your pants.